Just Having A Day

I was having a moment (A “day”, if you will) and since I haven’t shared anything too personal in a while, I figured I’d tell ya a little story...

I would like to preface this story by letting you know- none of this was my husband’s fault. This is all me. The rock solid foundation our relationship is built on includes many things - a couple of which are ball busting and extreme sarcasm.

Any-who...

Last night my husband was messing around. I won’t get into the entire story but there were unknown, almost naked women involved.

I am completely okay with him looking at other women- he’s married, not blind. I admittedly have no problem looking at a fine specimen of the opposite sex myself. It is what it is. But once in a while- maybe it’s something in the air or the kind of mood I’m in - but OH. MY. GOD! I see him do it in front of me I get so butt hurt! Like, completely and unmanageably insecure.

It’s me. It’s not him. We trust one another. I have never questioned his love or faith in me. I have never faltered in my belief that he loves me the mostest. I’m not an insecure teen ager trying to claim my territory.

I’m a grown ass woman who is completely secure in a relationship who is also *occasionally* mega insecure about myself.

Im not jealous of him looking at other women. What I am jealous of, is other women. What I have an issue with - is myself.

I know I am not in competition with any other woman. My man is my man ❤️ But Jesus Christ it’s intimidating to feel like if there was a competition, it would be so unfair.

I am physically so unlike almost every woman. I know this. It’s FINE (said in a sarcastic, feminine, everything is clearly NOT fine way) but sometimes it’s SO intimidating. I mean, if there was an actual competition I know my incredible personality would get me some bonus points but in today’s digital world, it’s like you just look through a gallery and swipe, swipe, swipe.... I’m talking 100% physical here.

I might be far from a trophy wife - but I’m comfortable knowing -at least the majority of time that I’m a fucking prize 😜(shut up, I am). There are just some days I emotionally have zero tolerance for being different.

Some days it makes me feel like a giant piece of shit- even though I know in my heart I’m not. I’m beautiful inside and out, bla bla bla - I KNOW 🙄 We are all pretty much that way! (*unless you’re actually a piece of shit, in which case, you’re just ugly all around.)

Some days I just want to have an equal starting point. I just want to feel like everyone else. My body, my physical appearance (for the most part) is something I have no way to change, *physically*. I have no control over my disability or how it makes me look BUT I can change how I feel emotionally. I can change how it affects me mentally.

Today is not that day. Today I will throw things. Why? I don’t know, but it makes me feel better so just back up. It just happens sometimes

AND THAT’S OKAY.

It will pass. Tomorrow will be a new day and everything will be back to business as usual. I’m a pro. I know this and I know that it’s okay to feel like shit sometimes, as long as you continue to move forward. ✌🏼

[passive aggressive half cry, forced smile👍🏼😂

#meh #disability #quarantine #bogus #smile ##thiswillpass